Liberalphobic.com

[Thanks to William Katz]

1.  When the clock strikes midnight, you may not kiss women, or those identifying as women, without written permission.  Permission forms may still be obtained at local colleges, which are staying open for that purpose.  I got mine at Joseph Stalin Community College and Grievance Center.  It’s a short form.

2.  You may not say “Happy New Year.”  That is an oppressive greeting that assumes others wish for your idea of the colonialist/Zionist notion of happiness.   The proper greeting is, “May your inner feelings find expression in the period ahead.”  Please note the use of “period” rather than “year,” which is a Roman, Crusader measurement.

3. You may not touch or shake hands with guests.  You probably don’t realize it because your consciousness hasn’t been raised, but touching and beating someone up are the same thing.

4. You may not serve or consume champagne.  Imagine being a victim from the Third World and being asked to clink glasses filled with some substance that sparkles, when you are heavy with the burden of your downtrodden people.  It is a direct insult.  Instead, serve a drink that is a mixture of different traditions, cultures, and histories.  Never comment on the taste or the aftereffects.  Food poisoning is a small price to pay for showing r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

5. Under no circumstances speak about so-called “New Year’s resolutions.”   Do you understand, can you conceive, how awful that is?  To the oppressed, the hurt, the victimized, the Yale student who still has a second-generation Macbook, a resolution means a United Nations resolution, where sufferers can strike a blow against the Pentagon, Exxon-Mobil, and Thanksgiving.  How dare you put your little wishes on the same level?  How dare you!

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